All right. Having a slacker moment at work.
5 questions. Anyone can answer 'em (though S.A.J, they're kinda for you)...
1. You have to kiss one of the following (with full tongue and nasty assed spittle trail) for at least 2 minutes (not 5 seconds you MTV bastards): Madonna, Britney or Christina. And why?
2. Reveal the gory details of the worst date you've been on. (So I stole the question from Cati so sue me).
3. If you could be a Super Friend, which one would you be?
4. Rick James or MC Hammer?
5. Thomas Dolby has just set your house on fire. Which 2 things do you grab? And before beating Mr. Dolby to a bloody pulp, do you sing him a few lines of "Blinded me with science"?
There you have it. The most lame ass questions I could come up with. I feel shame.
I was going to add the following question, but in the name of taste, decided against it:
Dirty Sanchez or Donkey Punch?
Let's call that one 4a. (I think Rick James would pick Donkey Punch).
Damn, I gotta get me some fresh air. STAT!
Friday, August 29, 2003
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Aiiiiiiiiiiight. Y'know how this works...5 questions from Mizz Cati herself:
Do you call policeman "Mounties" 'round your parts?
No, I call them "donut munching pig dawgs". Especially after I get my second speeding ticket of the week. Some days I call 'em "officer". But that's rare.
Tell me about your worst date ever.
I've actually got 2.
Bad date #1 (which is really 2 in 1) - I go on this blind date with this woman, and 30 minutes in she's talking baby names. She's also got me drinking beer before noon (a no-no in my books). Any hoodle, to make a long painful story short...I realise she's not the one for me. I go on another blind date (less than a week later) with some other lady & I'm telling her the story of the first gal, and lo and behold! It turns out that they actually dated each other for YEARS. I ran from both. Screaming.
Bad date #2 - another blind date (just say HELL NO to blind dates). We decide to meet up at 5.30 downtown (10 minutes from her work place, 45 minutes from mine). I hustle to get to the pub and of course, rush hour traffic prevails. I get to said locale 20 minutes late, just as the blind date is walking PAST me. I flag her down to be greeted with "you were LATE. I got tired of waiting". Of course it went downhill from there. I drank like a fish, said little (though I told some great drunk stories), ate a shitty salad and managed to end the date early. Being poilite, I offered the gal a drive home/out/wherever I wasn't. She turns to me and says "that's all right, I've got a coffee date with a friend". WTF? Needless to say, we never spoke again after that. I ran off to my local pub, drank tons and awoke hours later on the bathroom floor with no idea of how I got there.
Would you have sex with Steve Burns if he promised to sing you the "You can do anything that you wanna do" song to you right before it went down?
Yes.
I'd even wear a bear suit.
Seriously - what would Jesus do?
First he'd round up all the Super Friends. Then they'd go and find all those dumb ass homophobics who keep using the bible as their excuse to alienate gays and Jesus and the Super Friends would fire 'em off to Mars. Either that or he'd get a pedicure. And a Brazillian.
I'm so going to Hell for that, aren't I?
Dresses over jeans - hot or not?
On my crazy ass six foot tall frame? Not.
But I have a friend who can pull that shit off. So really, it's a maybe.
Ta da. My well thought out answers. Lemmie know if you want 5 lovingly crafted questions from me. I swear they'll fuck you up worse than pictures of Ben slipping Jen the tongue. Fo' sho'.
Do you call policeman "Mounties" 'round your parts?
No, I call them "donut munching pig dawgs". Especially after I get my second speeding ticket of the week. Some days I call 'em "officer". But that's rare.
Tell me about your worst date ever.
I've actually got 2.
Bad date #1 (which is really 2 in 1) - I go on this blind date with this woman, and 30 minutes in she's talking baby names. She's also got me drinking beer before noon (a no-no in my books). Any hoodle, to make a long painful story short...I realise she's not the one for me. I go on another blind date (less than a week later) with some other lady & I'm telling her the story of the first gal, and lo and behold! It turns out that they actually dated each other for YEARS. I ran from both. Screaming.
Bad date #2 - another blind date (just say HELL NO to blind dates). We decide to meet up at 5.30 downtown (10 minutes from her work place, 45 minutes from mine). I hustle to get to the pub and of course, rush hour traffic prevails. I get to said locale 20 minutes late, just as the blind date is walking PAST me. I flag her down to be greeted with "you were LATE. I got tired of waiting". Of course it went downhill from there. I drank like a fish, said little (though I told some great drunk stories), ate a shitty salad and managed to end the date early. Being poilite, I offered the gal a drive home/out/wherever I wasn't. She turns to me and says "that's all right, I've got a coffee date with a friend". WTF? Needless to say, we never spoke again after that. I ran off to my local pub, drank tons and awoke hours later on the bathroom floor with no idea of how I got there.
Would you have sex with Steve Burns if he promised to sing you the "You can do anything that you wanna do" song to you right before it went down?
Yes.
I'd even wear a bear suit.
Seriously - what would Jesus do?
First he'd round up all the Super Friends. Then they'd go and find all those dumb ass homophobics who keep using the bible as their excuse to alienate gays and Jesus and the Super Friends would fire 'em off to Mars. Either that or he'd get a pedicure. And a Brazillian.
I'm so going to Hell for that, aren't I?
Dresses over jeans - hot or not?
On my crazy ass six foot tall frame? Not.
But I have a friend who can pull that shit off. So really, it's a maybe.
Ta da. My well thought out answers. Lemmie know if you want 5 lovingly crafted questions from me. I swear they'll fuck you up worse than pictures of Ben slipping Jen the tongue. Fo' sho'.
Further reasons I should keep my effin' mouth shut
So last week I'm sitting around with friends and we're talking about speeding tickets and the like. And in my cocky glory I announce "dude, I've been driving like a bat outta hell for 12 years and I have never been nabbed for speeding". If this were a movie, the music would cue up to tell you that I'm a total dumb ass and I'm about to get mine in the worst way possible.
Yes, folks. The universe was not pleased with my bragging ways. TWO speeding tickets in under a week! Hot damn!
Dear Universe,
I am soooooo sorry for taunting you and pushing my luck. But c'mon, a death, a few major illnesses (of friends and family) and now this? For the love of Luke, leave me alone already!
And if you leave me alone I promise to stop bugging my cat, Squee about her flabby tummy.
Honest.
Thanks,
Ren
So last week I'm sitting around with friends and we're talking about speeding tickets and the like. And in my cocky glory I announce "dude, I've been driving like a bat outta hell for 12 years and I have never been nabbed for speeding". If this were a movie, the music would cue up to tell you that I'm a total dumb ass and I'm about to get mine in the worst way possible.
Yes, folks. The universe was not pleased with my bragging ways. TWO speeding tickets in under a week! Hot damn!
Dear Universe,
I am soooooo sorry for taunting you and pushing my luck. But c'mon, a death, a few major illnesses (of friends and family) and now this? For the love of Luke, leave me alone already!
And if you leave me alone I promise to stop bugging my cat, Squee about her flabby tummy.
Honest.
Thanks,
Ren
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
This week proves why I need to quit my job RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW:
- came in on Monday with a fever and acting a little crazier than usual. Went to my manager and explained that "dude, either I go home or I die here". Got blank look from manager. Decided to elaborate, "I don't feel well. I gotta go". I got the "if you must" look in return. Fought urge to kill. Went home and watched trash tv with the cats.
- Tuesday, came in (even though I still felt like shit). Staff asks how I'm doing. They all baby me through the day. Manager says nothing. I tell him that a family member has died and I need to run outta the office at some point during this week for the funeral. Manager goes on about how much funerals bite and dear lord how lame his father's funeral was. And who serves sandwiches at the funeral home anyways? Try not to kill. Shuffle off to my desk.
- later send an email to give full details about when I have to leave the office for the funeral. No acknowledgement. Go to manager's office. Yup, he read the email. At this point, I have never been asked how I'm feeling/holding up/breathing. Shuffle back to desk and start surfing for a new job.
- Had to sneak to doctor on my lunch break. Turns out I probably have strep and should be in bed. Am not in bed. Am in office. Praying for new job. Or multi-millionaire to sweep in and take me away from all this hell.
- now trying to figure out why I work here. Still can't figure it out. Wondering if anyone would notice if I ran screaming from the building. I think not.
- came in on Monday with a fever and acting a little crazier than usual. Went to my manager and explained that "dude, either I go home or I die here". Got blank look from manager. Decided to elaborate, "I don't feel well. I gotta go". I got the "if you must" look in return. Fought urge to kill. Went home and watched trash tv with the cats.
- Tuesday, came in (even though I still felt like shit). Staff asks how I'm doing. They all baby me through the day. Manager says nothing. I tell him that a family member has died and I need to run outta the office at some point during this week for the funeral. Manager goes on about how much funerals bite and dear lord how lame his father's funeral was. And who serves sandwiches at the funeral home anyways? Try not to kill. Shuffle off to my desk.
- later send an email to give full details about when I have to leave the office for the funeral. No acknowledgement. Go to manager's office. Yup, he read the email. At this point, I have never been asked how I'm feeling/holding up/breathing. Shuffle back to desk and start surfing for a new job.
- Had to sneak to doctor on my lunch break. Turns out I probably have strep and should be in bed. Am not in bed. Am in office. Praying for new job. Or multi-millionaire to sweep in and take me away from all this hell.
- now trying to figure out why I work here. Still can't figure it out. Wondering if anyone would notice if I ran screaming from the building. I think not.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Prozac will make it all better
My high school guidance councellor told me that.
Um, thanks?
But then again, this is the same woman who, when I told her I was trying to quit smoking (I was such a rebellious 18 year old) told me that I looked cool smoking, so why bother quitting?
Uh, yeah.
Right. So I'm feeling a little sorry for myself these days. I'm stressed out cause a)my job blows dead bears, b) my friends are going through crazy times and I'm a listener and supporter, dammit, c) my sleeping pattern is fucked up & d) I'm starting to stress about my gummy knee and crusty hip (a story best told over a lot of drinks).
Yay me.
Sorry, folks, Ren's not feeling like much fun right now.
I'm trying to get that point across to some of the "real life" people I know, but it's not working. Lookit, when you ask me "what's wrong" and I look at you all teary eyed and say "frankly I would like to take a 30 hour nap", don't think this is code for "I'm off to kill myself" and try to convince me that life is worth living. I really want to take a 30 hour nap. Dude, I'm tired and run down. And prone to crying fits. Really bad and awkward ones.
And no, I don't want a hug.
I want a big bed, Johnny Knoxville and a bottle of Nyquil.
RAWR.
My high school guidance councellor told me that.
Um, thanks?
But then again, this is the same woman who, when I told her I was trying to quit smoking (I was such a rebellious 18 year old) told me that I looked cool smoking, so why bother quitting?
Uh, yeah.
Right. So I'm feeling a little sorry for myself these days. I'm stressed out cause a)my job blows dead bears, b) my friends are going through crazy times and I'm a listener and supporter, dammit, c) my sleeping pattern is fucked up & d) I'm starting to stress about my gummy knee and crusty hip (a story best told over a lot of drinks).
Yay me.
Sorry, folks, Ren's not feeling like much fun right now.
I'm trying to get that point across to some of the "real life" people I know, but it's not working. Lookit, when you ask me "what's wrong" and I look at you all teary eyed and say "frankly I would like to take a 30 hour nap", don't think this is code for "I'm off to kill myself" and try to convince me that life is worth living. I really want to take a 30 hour nap. Dude, I'm tired and run down. And prone to crying fits. Really bad and awkward ones.
And no, I don't want a hug.
I want a big bed, Johnny Knoxville and a bottle of Nyquil.
RAWR.
Friday, August 22, 2003
I have innernet at the office! I have innernet at the office!
(why do I keep spelling "internet" that way? Send help)
Sadly, I do not have air conditioning in the office.
I am already sweating like a hooker on a date with a cop.
I am not comfortable in the least.
I could use a beer. That would keep me cool. So what if it's not even 10.15am?
I'm a hardcore corporate weasel type.
Fo' sho'.
(why do I keep spelling "internet" that way? Send help)
Sadly, I do not have air conditioning in the office.
I am already sweating like a hooker on a date with a cop.
I am not comfortable in the least.
I could use a beer. That would keep me cool. So what if it's not even 10.15am?
I'm a hardcore corporate weasel type.
Fo' sho'.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
4 things, by Ren:
1. Having no AC in an office that is usually the same temperature as Alaska (in the winter) sucks. I hate sweating. Though I do it very well, spank you veddy much.
2. Having no innernet access at work also sucks. Though my productivity technically increased from not being able to surf. Well, at least until the AC gave out. Then I became a snivelling mass of a woman who was too hot to even answer the phone.
3. Yes, that's me. No, you cannot have my autograph. Buah ha ha.
4. I am so sleep deprived I think I'm gonna die.
1. Having no AC in an office that is usually the same temperature as Alaska (in the winter) sucks. I hate sweating. Though I do it very well, spank you veddy much.
2. Having no innernet access at work also sucks. Though my productivity technically increased from not being able to surf. Well, at least until the AC gave out. Then I became a snivelling mass of a woman who was too hot to even answer the phone.
3. Yes, that's me. No, you cannot have my autograph. Buah ha ha.
4. I am so sleep deprived I think I'm gonna die.
Monday, August 18, 2003
I spoke too soon. A few hours after my last post I lost the power again. But this time, I really enjoyed it. I rang up a good friend and went wandering around the city. Met up with other friends who were powerless. Cause this time, the power failure was in chunks. Want a hot meal? No worries. A 5 block walk and voila! Power. Very odd, but hey, at least it got me out of the house.
So I stayed power free until early evening on Saturday. It was great! Now don't get me wrong, I'm really all for lying around watching krapola tv from time to time. It's just nice to get a break and learn to entertain oneself in a different way.
In the end, there was no major looting (just a few frustrated kids smashing bus shelter windows), no crazy killing sprees (due to the power failure at least) and I walked more than I'd walked in months.
My only beef? What the fuck is up with the media having to name everything that happens?!?!?! BLACKOUT 2003! As effin' if. The captain obvious team strikes again!
So I stayed power free until early evening on Saturday. It was great! Now don't get me wrong, I'm really all for lying around watching krapola tv from time to time. It's just nice to get a break and learn to entertain oneself in a different way.
In the end, there was no major looting (just a few frustrated kids smashing bus shelter windows), no crazy killing sprees (due to the power failure at least) and I walked more than I'd walked in months.
My only beef? What the fuck is up with the media having to name everything that happens?!?!?! BLACKOUT 2003! As effin' if. The captain obvious team strikes again!
Friday, August 15, 2003
Ah, the dark.
Yeah. Big ass power failure in Ontario & a whack of the States. Ah happiness.
Canada blames the Americans.
The Americans blame the Canadians.
Perhaps excessive use of power on both sides got us to this point? Hmmm, d'ya think? Just maybe? How come we've always got to blame someone? If that's the case, I'm gonna blame Nicole Kidman, cause that bitch burns my ass.
So the power is slowly being restored in areas, and what do I do? That's right. I hop on the innernet. I am such a fuckin' nerd. Yay me! But I'm being good about energy conservation: I've got the telly & the radio off, the a/c has been shut off, no lights on and I'm fighting the urge to do laundry (why I'm addicted to doing my laundry I'll never know).
Yeah. I'm gonna go and enjoy my day off now. Thank you Weasel Central for still being in the dark and having no working phones, so I don't have to drag my miserable ass out there (how? dunno. Subways ain't working and my car's in the shop).
And thank you citizens of Toronto for being totally kick ass and not looting and shit. And for going out of your way to give other people a helping hand.
Sometimes bad things bring out the best in people.
Yeah. Big ass power failure in Ontario & a whack of the States. Ah happiness.
Canada blames the Americans.
The Americans blame the Canadians.
Perhaps excessive use of power on both sides got us to this point? Hmmm, d'ya think? Just maybe? How come we've always got to blame someone? If that's the case, I'm gonna blame Nicole Kidman, cause that bitch burns my ass.
So the power is slowly being restored in areas, and what do I do? That's right. I hop on the innernet. I am such a fuckin' nerd. Yay me! But I'm being good about energy conservation: I've got the telly & the radio off, the a/c has been shut off, no lights on and I'm fighting the urge to do laundry (why I'm addicted to doing my laundry I'll never know).
Yeah. I'm gonna go and enjoy my day off now. Thank you Weasel Central for still being in the dark and having no working phones, so I don't have to drag my miserable ass out there (how? dunno. Subways ain't working and my car's in the shop).
And thank you citizens of Toronto for being totally kick ass and not looting and shit. And for going out of your way to give other people a helping hand.
Sometimes bad things bring out the best in people.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Hell just confirmed my reservation
One more thing about Montreal. Something that solidified the fact that I'm going to hell.
So I'm in my favourite church's gift shop (shaddup, so I have a favourite church and yeah, it's got a shop). I'm looking around at all the kitch and thinking about what an insanely bad Catholic I am, and not feeling any guilt at that when I see it. This beautiful painting of Jesus. With technicoloured light beams SHOOTING OUT OF HIS CHEST!
Suddenly I can feel it.
The world's largest burst of laughter. And it's fighting to get out. Quickly.
Of course at this point I look like I'm going to cry at the "beauty" of this painting. Nope. I'm struggling to get the fuck outta the shop. Dude, I effin' ran out of that place and barely made it out of the church. I was on the ground with laughter. Of course my mother, being a wonderfully twisted lady, nudges my friend, points at me and says "you'd think she'd be good in there. Oh no. She has to notice disco Jesus."
Ma, I loves ya.
One more thing about Montreal. Something that solidified the fact that I'm going to hell.
So I'm in my favourite church's gift shop (shaddup, so I have a favourite church and yeah, it's got a shop). I'm looking around at all the kitch and thinking about what an insanely bad Catholic I am, and not feeling any guilt at that when I see it. This beautiful painting of Jesus. With technicoloured light beams SHOOTING OUT OF HIS CHEST!
Suddenly I can feel it.
The world's largest burst of laughter. And it's fighting to get out. Quickly.
Of course at this point I look like I'm going to cry at the "beauty" of this painting. Nope. I'm struggling to get the fuck outta the shop. Dude, I effin' ran out of that place and barely made it out of the church. I was on the ground with laughter. Of course my mother, being a wonderfully twisted lady, nudges my friend, points at me and says "you'd think she'd be good in there. Oh no. She has to notice disco Jesus."
Ma, I loves ya.
Pray for Mojo
Oh fuck me.
I'm at work trying to justify the existence of my job position. On paper. Suddenly it doesn't look like I do that much. Oh wait.
I've just filled an entire piece of paper with things I do on a regular basis.
What have I just deduced?
They don't fucking pay me enough.
But at least I have a window seat, right?
Ha.
I am such a schmoe.
Send food stamps.
And a bottle of whiskey.
And not the cheap ass shit, either.
Oh fuck me.
I'm at work trying to justify the existence of my job position. On paper. Suddenly it doesn't look like I do that much. Oh wait.
I've just filled an entire piece of paper with things I do on a regular basis.
What have I just deduced?
They don't fucking pay me enough.
But at least I have a window seat, right?
Ha.
I am such a schmoe.
Send food stamps.
And a bottle of whiskey.
And not the cheap ass shit, either.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Yeah. I'm back. Tickled at the thought of being back in the office. Dear Lord.
Any hoodle, my Montreal weekend...point form style (cause I'm still rocking the lazy):
- sleepin'
- gambling (& winning!)
- lotsa drinking which led to the best quote of the weekend, courtesy of my mother, "now whenever I see the Heineken sign, I'll think of you"...nice to know my mother thinks of me as a total booze hound.
- more drinking
- eating rich foods and not caring about exercise
- shopping...nothing better than 50% off at like EVERY SINGLE STORE! Wooo hooo!
- did I mention drinking?
Oddly enough, I managed to stay out of trouble while I was away. This is the most surprising part of my trip. I honestly thought I'd at least get one warning somewhere. Dammit. Next time, I promise.
Any hoodle, my Montreal weekend...point form style (cause I'm still rocking the lazy):
- sleepin'
- gambling (& winning!)
- lotsa drinking which led to the best quote of the weekend, courtesy of my mother, "now whenever I see the Heineken sign, I'll think of you"...nice to know my mother thinks of me as a total booze hound.
- more drinking
- eating rich foods and not caring about exercise
- shopping...nothing better than 50% off at like EVERY SINGLE STORE! Wooo hooo!
- did I mention drinking?
Oddly enough, I managed to stay out of trouble while I was away. This is the most surprising part of my trip. I honestly thought I'd at least get one warning somewhere. Dammit. Next time, I promise.
Friday, August 08, 2003
Silence is for mimes
Due to overwhelming comment (thank you Secret Agent Girl), the silence has ended. Well, not really. I have a headache. And therefore, cannot think of anything funny or remotely interesting. Really.
Basically, it's been a boring, domestic kinda week. Does anyone wanna hear how I managed to vacuum the loft in record time? Or how I'm always stepping on the cats? Ew, and how I just remembered that the kitty litter needs changing?
Yup, I am living a wild child life.
Though I must admit that I'm all excited at the prospect of going away for the weekend. Montreal will never be the same once I'm done with it (insert 70's porn bass line here).
I hope to drink enough to get into the Guiness Book of Records. Twice. And maybe grope a stripper or two, a la the Affleck. Buah ha ha.
Watch for me on the six o'clock news, yo.
Due to overwhelming comment (thank you Secret Agent Girl), the silence has ended. Well, not really. I have a headache. And therefore, cannot think of anything funny or remotely interesting. Really.
Basically, it's been a boring, domestic kinda week. Does anyone wanna hear how I managed to vacuum the loft in record time? Or how I'm always stepping on the cats? Ew, and how I just remembered that the kitty litter needs changing?
Yup, I am living a wild child life.
Though I must admit that I'm all excited at the prospect of going away for the weekend. Montreal will never be the same once I'm done with it (insert 70's porn bass line here).
I hope to drink enough to get into the Guiness Book of Records. Twice. And maybe grope a stripper or two, a la the Affleck. Buah ha ha.
Watch for me on the six o'clock news, yo.